Monday, 4 July 2011

For every step forward, I seem to take 3 steps back.

Hello Lovelies,

Thank you for all the lovely comments on my last post - it was so lovely to be outside in the sunshine enjoying my beautiful city. Sadly, I think I may have misjudged my energy levels this weekend and did one too many things and have now landed myself back in bed utterly exhausted.

Who knew it took so much effort to sit up without cushions for a couple of hours?! Apparently I completely forgot this fact... having spent the last 3 weeks being supported by a small army of soft snuggly cushions. It's the least exhausting way to sit.

My doctor's note runs out tomorrow, so I called the Drs to see what she thinks I should do. Our conversation went a little like this:

Me:Hello. I'm calling because I'm still tired. I know my blood tests were fine but I literally can't do anything for more than 30 minutes without feeling like I've been hit by a bus. I've tried to do things here and there - I'm not just being lazy and lying in bed but everytime I do things I just feel worse and worse.

Dr: Hmmm yes. Well your blood tests came back clear. I think you should go back to work tomorrow.

Me: Sorry, go back to work? But I can't do anything for more than 30 minutes (clearly there was a bad line or something at the start of this conversation)

Dr: Yes, well often when you've had a virus you can be tired... staying home won't help. I think you need to go back to work to take your mind off things.

Me: Err ok ... I'm just so tired though *holds back tears*

Dr: Hmmm yes, well you are a very busy person(Me: Busy?! My life these days is practically dead compared to 3 years ago), training for a marathon (Me: Half Marathon actually... in fact I'd hardly started training babble babble), working as a teaching assistant and your husband has got cystic fibrosis (which has nothing at all to do with how I feel... I'm not his carer)..... Hmm I see here that you saw a counsellor a while ago.

Me: Yes I did when I was having some stress and anxiety issues. I'm not stessed, I'm not anxious *in full on tears*

Dr: I think you're depressed. Come see me this afternoon

The conversation ends with me crying down the phone that I'm not depressed, I'm just frustrated about being stuck at home and feeling tired and having had a rubbish 3 weeks (probably adding fuel to the fire that I'm a crazy).

I am not depressed. This is not in my head.

I've been depressed before, at various points in my life. It's not something I talk about much, but it's a part of who I am. I know what depression feels like - and it's not this.

When I was depressed, I cried literally all the time. About everything and nothing. I hated myself. I cared about no-one and nothing. I didn't clean because I couldn't see the point. I didn't leave the house or spend time with people because I couldn't deal with the thought of having to try and make conversation. I actively lied to people to find ways to avoid spending time with them because I felt so low. I had no motivation. I wanted to curl up in a ball and avoid the world. I didn't want to eat. Everything in my head felt noisy and confused and scary. Nothing made sense.

None of those things reflect who I am at the moment or how I feel.

I am so desperate to spend time with people that I've risked making myself more ill this weekend to do it. I miss my job dearly and would quite like to go back tomorrow in a lot of ways. I've spent all my time off ill chatting to people online because I've been so desperate for human interaction. I would love to do some cleaning but I'm too tired to. I'm desperate to cook a meal but I don't have the energy to get all the way through it. I'm rather happy, chirpy even if you can ignore the frustration of being so tired. I'm eating like a beast. I want to go running and practice yoga. I've let myself get passionate about things again - passionate about activism and politics and the way the world works.

My list could go on and on but in short, I am not depressed and I do not appreciate being told that it's all in my head.

I'm going in for a "proper" appointment this afternoon (this morning was just a phone consultation).

I'm hoping she'll listen to me...


  1. I'm so sorry you're finding it so frustrating and the doctors don't understand :(
    I've had a few bad experiences with my own doctor over the past few months and it can get so awful when they don't listen properly that you just want to shake them to make them understand!
    If you ever need to talk you can always feel free to have a good moan to me on twitter or email or anything.
    Hope the appointment this afternoon goes a bit better and good luck if you do end up having to go to work tomorrow xx

  2. Sorry to hear that you're still feeling unwell and that your doctor was so unsupportive. How can someone possible diagnose depression over the phone? Hope the appointment this afternoon goes ok :) x

  3. So sorry to hear your feeling really poorly again, Dr's can be so utterly crap. Hope they listen to you, I can completely understand why you would feel so frustrated and therefore get upset on the phone. Really hope that they listen to you - you clearly know your self and you body by the sounds of it. I hope they sign you off so you have the time you need to get back to 100% health. I'll be thinking of you petal *hugs* xxx

  4. Aww your still sick. This virus really is awful! I hate it when doctors are like that. You try and tell them one thing but they completely ignore you as they think they know best. I hope you get better soon! x


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